I've seemed to have forgotten about this corner of my life...so many years ago.

Shake the cobwebs off the memories of that old loft apartment- choas, anger, sorrow, and dysfunction.



merezilla.blogspot.com




Things have changed.

You know that feeling you get when you wait for someone to step off the plane and walk down that long aisle to the baggage claim area? You search the crowd to make eye contact with a familiar face while your insides perform tricks that rival that of cirque de soliel performers?
That's what I have felt for the last several years, except I think I'm not that person waiting for something familiar to step into my life- I am that person just off the plane, walking down a long hallway into my future.
I suppose this is what growing up feels like, a walk- an evolution down a path into something great- something that feels like home. A journey.
In the last years I've discovered that I feel most at home when I am not at home but while I'm in transit, which is what my portfolio is titled. (on that note I really need to suffer through the tedious task of acutally preparing my portfolio this month...sigh).

When I think of all the people I've met, places I've been to, things I've experienced- events that have defined me as a person, moreoever a woman, it's nearly mind-blowing. I could have never predicted these last 5 years out of high school - and why would I have wanted to? The risks I have taken the mistakes I have made have all been apart of this journey of mine.

The only thing that bothers me the most is the revolving door of friends and aquaintences I've had. Why do I have a new group of friends every year, or is this what's supposed to happen in my early twenties?

Few people have remained constant- and a fewer amount of those I have loved so deeply it hurts more than the pleasure of seeing their faces.

How do I measure up a year older, a year wiser, a year closer to escaping to Paris or London or New York- a year further away from my childhood?

this is no molehill. this is what keeps me awake at night. what keeps me closer to few, farther from most.

metaphor: contemplative
imagery: rasputina...as usual

sometimes i wonder who I'll be if I have a child. What I'll pass on. What I'll say to them when they are crying. What to yell at them when I am mad.

I wonder if I'll fail my child as a parent.


I wonder if I'll ever leave them.



I'm wondering all this because as a child of parents who have said and done unspeakable things to me, I wonder if I'll fuck up a life.


oh and by the by...having shaun in town didn't go too well at all.

metaphor: blah
imagery: never is a promise - fiona apple

but wait for shaun to come in town.

scary.


but a good scary.

Current Location: blechy
metaphor: anxious
imagery: defaut-wasting my time

So my best friends and I have made up which has really made me happy cause without them not only am I a total loser, but that would break my heart much harder than any silly boy. yes, boy. David's not a man in my eyes...he's a coward who spread lies and rumors to our friends about our relationship...or he lied to my face which makes it even harder for me to stomach. But I'm proud that this whole time I haven't hurt myself (except for skipping a few meals and not sleeping, but hey, I'm only human).
Is it awful for me to say that I hate david now? It was the lying, not so much of the "I'm going to act as if you're not in the room" attitude that gets me. How can you look someone in the eyes and pretend? What kind of a person can do that....even "he" never lied to me- "he" was always honest about where he was with me and where it was going....he never once made me think otherwise or used me for rides to work or anything like that. It just didn't seem to work out--- timing was off, our lives were separate...but I don't hate "him" at all...I'm very much at peace with "him" after these last few months.

Occupying my time these days has been looking for a new car since mine died the other day, studying for finals, working on the newsletter (though not as much as I should be...) shopping (wee!) and getting my hair done. Oh and talking to Shaun...who is...amazing at the very least. He's been a great friend (can't help majorly flirting with him 24-7 though since he's adorable and such a sweetheart). He's comming to visit in June. *sigh*

I still have to meet with david on a few things...I can't hardly wait! (oh god). I'm postponing this meeting as long as I have to just to ensure that I don't start crying or yelling or some other meredith thing that I do when I get upset...I dunno...throw a drink at him? It could happen...

Tags: david
metaphor: annoyed

So- when people show their true colors all at the same time...things can get out of hand. I have lost a boyfriend (well, 200lbs...) and two best friends because they think that ignoring me is really stickin' it to me since i "vanished".
So I've been beating up pillows and throwing my little fists of fury in the air and pretending it's david's face. Because I'm just that mad.


So I 've been doing anything to get my mind off the break up...PLEASE MAKE IT GO AWAY!

metaphor: angry
imagery: because of you - kelly c.

and neither was he because who's happy with someone who's always mad because you're incapable of being a fucking decent person and boyfriend.
how long was i going to sit there and eat shit politely while he did whatever he wanted to...not considering me and acting like i'm a burden.

But i wasn't a burden. He still loves me. He still cares about me. He still wants me in his life...but he can't handle a relationship. I CAN'T HANDLE HIM BEING MEAN TO ME ANYMORE.

The past few days, I've sobbed myself silly and have destroyed the lining in my stomach. I am sad. I'm more than sad I'm devestated. I'm so heartbroken and yet I am so happy that I don't get to be treated like this anymore. It's such a contradiction...I should be wholly angry or sad, not both.

And david even admitted to it being him..."I fucked everything up. I'm an asshole and I can't change. You've been the best g/f I've ever had....yadda yadda yadda." Save it. Spare me. I don't need to hear this crap.

One day real soon he's going to wake up and realize that he made the hugest mistake.


One day real soon I'm going to wake up and realize that I regret everything. That I wish I never met him. That I wish I had stayed in Boston and never come back to this city. That i'm so angry at myself for slipping up after almost a full year of being good to myself. I'm angry. That's what I am...these tears and this pain are anger because I can't honestly say that I loved David in the end...I think I did or still do...I don't know. I'm just so fuckin mad.

This hurts.

I hate this.

Tags: brokenheart
imagery: broken - seether

so i worked a double shift today...which went alright as far as double shifts in resturants go I suppose. made some more cash for a potential move into a new apt. building so that's always good. didn't eat the fries that sat on the counter for a while or anything really for that matter...go me. i have it in my head that i must be a super twig by july in order for my family to like me...i've already lost so much this past year...but i am not happy until i have people comming up to me asking me if i'm sick. hahaha i'm such a model wannabe...lame! i used to make fun of girls like me...what happened?

digression- i saw david briefly @ work :) which made me smile. All the girls were so impressed...they thought he was "so hot" and "very sweet." <3 melt. Brian though, I think, was flirting with me all day...which made me feel a little wierd 'cause even though I like to flirt with danger and all, work is work...despite the insanity of peeling raw shrimp and taking lame togo orders for people who always want crap that's not on the menu. I can't wait to start the other job...really...can't...wait. So down B!


so i guess i'm waiting for david to call me to see if it's not too late to see him...?
i miss him.
i miss seeing him a lot.
i miss laughing with him
and being held in the morning.
and poked and pinched and flicked until we are both laughing so hard


*sigh*

<3 break.


lyrics time:

maybe if my heart stops beating
it wont hurt this much
and never will I have to
answer again to anyone

please don't get me wrong
because I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
but now I feel like I don't know you oh

one day you'll get sick of
saying that everything’s alright
and by then I’m sure ill be
pretending just like I am tonight

please don't get me wrong
because I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
but now I feel like I don't know you oh

let this go
let this go

ill never let this go
but I cant find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
but now I feel like I don’t know you

and I’ll never let this go
but I can't find the words to tell you
that now I feel like I don't know you

paramore- let this go

metaphor: hmm.

I feel like I don't know how to "be" right now. I feel like pretending that nothing happened will make it worse and talking about it too much will destroy everything. Maybe in my head, and in my heart, I need to gain confidence and strength. Why am I so afraid? I mean, I think I know the answer to that is because the past has not been so sweet. But what if I just gave it my all? I can't imagine being anymore heartbroken then I already am---so why not just throw it all to the wind and forge on to whatever the future has in store.

Last night I went out with the girls (and brian from work) to Vera Cruz and Tuck's. We drank and danced- like we used to in France, only this time I wasn't dead drunk but dead sober and still dancing to "I will survive" (what in the world was my excuse?) I needed to get out. I needed to laugh and have fun. I need to be excited about this job and excited about the finals weeks of school because I'm suppose to be right now. I can't agonize anymore. It's not doing anyone (well, me really) any good.

I'm really not sure why I started writing in this thing again, but I am glad that I have. Taking a break now would seem, unnatural.


Today I'm babysitting. Oh, it's also 6 months with David. 6 whole months. Interesting.

Current Location: my mom's
metaphor: blah
imagery: emergency - paramore

I ended up landing a layout design job for LSU health sciences center.

yay

So last night, David and I spent some time together. I went to his parents' house and hung out with his mom while he fixed up his car. And then we ran some errands and then he took me out to dinner. which was sweet. And I think that we had a good time.

And then we went for a long drive and talked about our city, politics, personal fears about upcoming hurricanes, and stuff. When we went back to his place- I laid down next to him and thought how easy it is for me to forget my sorrow when I'm with him like that. When I'm totally able to just melt and feel safe again.

And I ache in my heart to feel safe with him again always, not just late at night when everything's quiet. Am I happy with him?
Am I truly happy?

Tags: boyfriend
metaphor: discontent
imagery: Let this Go - Paramore

So last thursday night things fell apart.

I just don't understand why it's ok for any girl to joke about having kids and sleeping with my boyfriend. I don't care if she is a lesbian. To me, she's a woman, and the fact that he just lets it happen right in front of my eyes hurts. I mean, really hurts. So I told him so on Thursday, and I thought everything was going well until...

"Why are you with me?"
"What?"
"Why are you with me? I obviously don't make you happy...."

Oh my god. Oh my God NO he's breaking up with me. What have I done? I should've kept my mouth shut....he's right though...I'm not that happy right now with him. I feel like I'm just there. I'm not important. He's with me because I taxi'd him around the city. He's with me because I put up with stuff. He's with me because being without me wouldn't be what he wants. It's not what I want.
I began to fall apart...unravel in front of him. I can't lose him now. Not after 6 months of fighting so hard to stay together.

We talked about our past. We talked about the people who have hurt us. We talked about how we didn't want to braek up but couldn't stay together like this. Could we wipe the slate clean? No, he said, he couldn't do that. I cried harder. I told him everything I was afriad to.
I have to stop otherwise he will leave me. I wouldn't blame him. I'm digsuting.

We went to the movies- a break in fighting.

We were driving home. I didn't utter a sound much less breathe. And then, before I knew it, I heard panic. Sobs, and wailing and difficulty breathing...it was me. I couldn't stop crying. He freaked out a bit and tried to calm me down. he felt bad I think. I couldn't stop sobbing and I knew it was over.

Or was it?

We went for another drive. And talked about why I was so scared of everything. And everyone. And after hugging, and crying and spending the weekend without him--I don't know if we're over and I'm certainly hoping that we're not.

Tags: boyfriend
metaphor: crushed
imagery: sweet misery - michelle branch

Alright, I've cooled off a little from the last entry...I'm sitting next to him now and feeling inadquate...like I don't erally belong here anymore. Have I become his square peg? I wonder if I could just change my name and leave everyone behind me- like something out of a movie. Don't have the money. Don't have the guts.

Couldn't really ever leave david. Break my heart into a million pieces. Shattered.


Is there really anything to talk about with him anymore? The news? The growing threat of hurricane season just 'round the corner and the possibility that one could literally blow us apart? The impending doom of graduate school applications and the ramifications if I leave the city? There's


I feel like I might cry.


I feel like I might tell him that I almost slept with 'him" a few weeks ago. I came so close to throwing it all away and I'm still not so sure as to why. ???
It's like a giant puzzle- "he" has a few pieces and so does david. In a few months, I'm supposed to be going to los angeles with david so he can meet my family. Oh god. Here comes the nausia.

Maybe it's a fear of commitment. Maybe it's my horrific complex---I'm too ugly for David. I'm too fat and too ugly and I hope that I shrink into a tiny tiny tiny girl.

ugh. another rambling entry.


I guess I'm a little too hard on myself.



Well...maybe a little.




He just smiled at me.





He has no idea.

Tags: david
metaphor: contemplative

I'm so angry. It's like brewing within me slowly and seeping out in soft insults under my breath and storming out of houses. What is eating me up? I can't stand feeling this way.

david said that we would go out. he told me that he would take me out to dinner. where do we sit? here. in his room. Last night we were supposed to go out...but instead he went out with his friend while I was at work.
Are these big warning signs? Are we getting too comfortable?

And I JUST heard the microwave go on. I'm starving. And he's eating.
Why is he so selfish?


I swear maybe this is why I'm upset. maybe this is why I'm so mad all the time. I wish I had the willpower to walk out and not call until he called and not come over until he was at my door....

I guess I should try my hardest to do that.

I hate being in a relationship sometimes. I hate this so much.
I can't deal with another person's ridiculousness. UGH I'm venting but only cause I don't want to do it again this week...I cant.

metaphor: FUCKING angry
imagery: fucking angry music here.

damn plastic cutlery and it's empty threats. why can't i just stop this? it feels like everything around me is slowly melting away and it's slowly eating away at me. i wish i could just go work out or sew or do something productive - but I can't. I guess I'm not made that way.
now the hard part- the long sleeves.
the questions.
the fake answers.
the tears.

why am i such a tragedy? why can't i stop pushing everyone away from me?
my stomach's been killing me lately...I thought it might be something serious...but everyone thinks that perhaps I have a food allergy or it's just stress. Secretly, I want a child- because maybe then I'll have something to live for. But only the smallest fraction of me wants that - I want to be 22 and able to get in a car and go anywhere. Fly anywhere. See anyone. Do anything. and with this freedom comes the fear that I'll never be tied down.

tamed.

so I'll stop hurting. and hurting myself.

I need to sleep for days.

Tags: off it.
metaphor: aggravated
imagery: teamspeak. please make the voices stop.

So, it looks like I'm training for a new job. Sorta excited about the money but not about the uniforms...I'm going to look like an asshole in a suit. Great.
Ok- enough complaining...I'm trying to think happy thoughts today since I am in such a bad way.

I'll make this a short one. Just a quick hey. I don't feel like being intelligent or witty right now...just need sleep and still have to study for tomorrow's mid term.

oh boy.


bah.

Tags: bitchy
imagery: the loud people in the UC

Last week was one of the worst weeks that I have had in a very long time. After falling off the wagon, again, and informing no one but my livejournal about the incident, I spent days trying to think of clever ways to explain my legs if anyone were to see them. Great. I worked most of last weekend through double shifts, which was great cash to have and all...but also very tiring. Sunday night I went to a party without David and he went out with his friends, which sort of set the tone for the rest of Mardi Gras except that I decided that I would be in one of my "get away from me I want to be alone now" moods when I all I really wanted was to have people around me....yeah...well...it backfired and so I spent Mardi Gras on a couch...sleeping...alone. And sobbing. I haven't cried so much in such a long time...I really thought that I was going insane. I guess it's good to cry and get it all out...but this was getting a little redundant.

"I don't know what's wrong," I choked through sobs and tears streaming down my face. I didn't know. Why didn't I want to be with my friends? Why didn't I just suffer being with his friends (not that I don't like them, but...I do still feel like an outsider most of the time) and just fucking deal with it.


Perhaps it had something to do with my period. Or stress. Or not eating. Or drinking toom uchand working lon ghours on a hang over. Not hearing what I wanted to hear from David's mouth for days...hearing something I would never hear from "his" mouth...

Yes. I know. Whenever "he" is involved, there must be tears right? I can't write off a week of being moody and sobby over "him"? Right? I have David...why can't I just think of david? Even when he sasy stupid shit to me and jokes around too far and every once in a while, though it's very rare, he makes me feel like at any minute he might just tell me to get out because of his bad mood, sulking..."God mere it's not thing to DO WITH YOU..." (insert long exasberated sigh here).

We all have little things we can't stand. I can get over those...right? Oh God...see, this is why I barely write in here...because now I'm thinking the worst with David and the best with "him" and that just can't be....right?

metaphor: confused
imagery: Let this go - Paramore

i almost made a year. almost. just a few more weeks and i would be one year without doing that. but i did. and it hurts. i almost forgot how it feels the morning after. my eyes are swollen; face is ashen. I hate feeling this way, knowing that if I tell anyone here what I did, the consequences would envelope me.

metaphor: me
imagery: never is a promise - fiona apple

and my date is still wrong. *sigh*

I never write in this damn thing anymore. What is wrong with me? I hope that you all had a really nice holiday and my new year's resolution is to try and write...more...lol...


argh.

metaphor: curious
imagery: out tonight - RENT

I was on a plane going to New Orleans. This weekend I'm going back home and I can't wait! I think these last two months have been the two longest months of my entire life.
Yesterday was a great day...went shopping...went to the Apple store and fell in love with a G5...*sigh unrequited*

I don't know...not much to bitch about...for once...haha


meh.

Tags: ok
metaphor: awake
imagery: pure imagination - willy wonka :)

dear you.

you know who you are. you've read my journal i don't know how many times and it's gotten me in trouble with you. i don't know why you want to read it, as if this is a way for you to understand my complexities or even to somehow reassure yourself that i'm too fucked up of a girl to have in your life. the ball has never been and will never be in my court. there is no ball - there is no court - there is no anything with you because as much as i wanted to play the game, i couldn't last the first quarter. secretly i adore hating you. and even more secretly, i still adore you. no matter what you hurl at me, i take it like a good girl should. i listen to you at inappropriate hours of the night. i help you up even when i've fallen lower than you. i lost sleep worried about you. i ran to your side despite your act that you loathe me sleeping in your bed. i let you invade me. i trusted you.
your last words that mattered to me were said the night before both of our lives changed forever. i knew, not because of the storm, but because of us, that was going to be the last time i would ever see you. and i cried myself to sleep for weeks and i still cry knowing that you may have been one of the wrinkles on my palm and if you are then what is left for me? someone who ignores me entirely? someone who blatently uses me for a quick fuck and a favor? i can't bare the thought of never being normal. you and i- were fucked up. two falling stars, young, ignorant- clumsy in all senses. my sick dependancy on that phone ringing at 4 a.m. you reached out for me only in your deepest sleep...did you know that? you who hated to touch me after the deed...you would reach out for me and then you would wake and act like i was a stranger sleeping in an airplane seat next to you. we revolted each other and craved each other all at the same time.
i'm no longer here. i'm no longer in your life. i feel like i am writing like heloise to aberlard (read the letters..google them).
i am a sad girl. with a sad life. and a sad disposition and i am sick of being sad. you make me sad and you make me happy. i could never figure that one out.

these are the things i was too afraid to say. why don't you fucking care about me? i guess i knew the answer all along.

metaphor: leveled.

i need a lot more sleep then i have been letting myself get.
can't stop thinking about new orleans.
about home.
my friends.
what could have been.
what SHOULD have been.
david thinks that we would have eventually ended up together.
i'm just glad that we are.
one of the only things left to look forward to these days.
november 18th.
here i come.

Tags: hoemsick
metaphor: meh.
imagery: crush - dave matthews band

So I've pissed off a lot of people. My mom:

who doesn't want me to go back to nola uner any circumstances...but I'm going the weekend of Nov. 18th. Damnit. I paid for the ticket. I'm making my own arrangements. I'm 22 years old. And I am so guilty about this I can barely breathe. She said some horrible things to me as usual when we fight. I'm angry because this is my life and I'm an adult and I can pay for it. and I did. I MISS MY FRIENDS SO MUCH. And david of course.

Who's also mad at me because I got mad at him for not showing any kind of happy tone in his voice when I told him that I was comming home because he was standing under a movie marquee and whimpering like a child that Saw 2 was sold out. I never thought that I would have to compete with the AMC cnema people.

What is the deal with all this? I CAN'T EVER MAKE A DECSION ON MY OWN WITHOUT MY MOTHER HAVING SOME SAY!!! I swear, she'll be there when a guy proposes to me..she'll be the one to answer. She has to let me go. I want to do this by myself.


HAS ANYONE HAD THIS PROBLEM? And no, I can't completely cut my mom loose and never talk to her...that would drive me into even more guilt. I'm one guilty, guilty, Catholic, girl.

Great, now i'm gonna cry.
Damnit.

Tags: anger, mom, new orleans
metaphor: mehhhh
imagery: adkajsh- alkdjalsd

It's only natural to fight with your significant other. But is it natural to fight with your boyfriend even if you've only been together three weeks? (well, technically since Oct. 7) And this was an argument that should have taken place down the road...there's no way we have left the "honeymoon" phase already. If so, we're doomed and I don't want that. FOR ONCE I DON'T WANT THAT! The prize is so much better than the chase this time...so so much better.

So. He calls. Sometimes. And sometimes he's out to lunch...or focused on WoW or something else. It doesn't mean he doesn't still like me...right? Oh no, in my pretty little head I start to believe that he has lost interest. And then I cry. No one wants that. Trust me.

This is what happens when a boy comes into my life!! It's not that I'm codependant...I just really really like him a lot. I have ever since I laid eyes on him only I was too stoopid to see that. Instead I wasted time on fucking "him" and "his" stupid self. He's so good to me. David is so amazing. Despite all this unfocusedness....he's so sweet and considerate. So why can't I do that?

He apologized for being distant. He didn't mean to be. There's nothing wrong he said. There's nothing for me to worry about. If I were there, I would be seeing him a lot. He's just busy with work. And friends. And when he says that he wishes I were there, he means it.

Duh.

Tags: daivd, fight, stupid mere
metaphor: anxious
imagery: Postal Service - Sleeping In

Space heaters and I apparantly don't get along. It's either too friggin' hot or too damn cold. It's too something. So I'm opting for the cold cause being too hot make me even more of a raging bitch. And no one wants that. *wink*

Tuesday, Kate came over. Kate is a girl my age who used to live in the same room as I did, only a year or so ago. She and I get along really well...she's a pastry chef (um...YUM!) and we love to shop. So that's what we do. Eat stuff and shop. And quite frankly, she's like the best thing here. She's also getting me a job over at her resturant as a hostess/coat check girl for fri, sat, sund. nights. This will hopefully make the time pass much faster. 8 weeks and 6 days until I see everyone again. is that 62 days? I hate math. Almost as much as I hate....

LAST NIGHT'S CLASS! Victorian Major Writers. I hate it. The professor doesn't even grade it's the TA and quite frankly, I think that's like paying to go see a movie with so and so and watching someone else. Lame. And of course I think this is lame because I got....wait for it....MY FIRST D EVER! (well on a paper, Math and I seem to do well in Consenants that rhyme with B)

So. yeah. now what? I guess I have to go to her, the TA, and ask her why the hell that happened.


Well. I miss David. like a lot. and he misses me too. And sometimes when you're away and you can't look the person in the eyes and know that everything's ok...you get a little worried when the phone stops ringing as much as it used to. So yesterday through last night we had a long talk about what in the world is going on. I think that the worst part of me being in a relationship right now is that I'm always a little scared. Never about him cheating or anything....but about him just not liking me anymore. Forgetting the way I wear my hair, or the smell of my shampoo. like I slowly fade away into a memory of someone and that's no longer alluring anymore. I'll think of any excuse won't I? He's so amazing to me, why am i searching to end
it instead of searching for a way it will work like I did with "him". And "he's" like the worst person in the world to me. Eck.

ehh. and I'm gone.

Tags: cold, david, work
metaphor: blah
imagery: Sic Transit Gloria - Brand New

Perhaps it is the fear that once I start writing about this hurricane I'll never stop, that's keeping me from writing at all. So much has changed in the last few months. So much has changed this year. It's like I keep waiting for my constant, and once I think I've found it, it's ripped away from me again. I don't want another change. I crave a routine again. My life is on hold.

My city is destroyed. You've seen it on the TV and read about it in newspapers. I'm sure some of you have even had friends that have had friends that have seen it first hand. You can't begin to wrap your mind around the destrcution unless you can breathe it, taste it, hear it, see it, smell it, touch it, feel it inside like it's invaded your body through your pores and pumps in your blood. It's something that is ineffable; an indescribable amount of pain and death and suffering.

My apt. is alright. Could have been a lot worse. The building downstairs is destroyed, ruined by mold and waters and heat. Mid-City looks like a warzone. Pieces of lives lie humbly on the side of the road, like forgotton memories. Trees, snapped and gnarled are dead and uprooted. I cried silently, tears streaming down my confused face most of the weekend that I was there. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm dying. I'm sinking. I'm falling.

Now, I'm in a suburb of Boston, loathing the weather and dreaming of my old City Park. My friends. My university. Sunny fall days in the quad. Homework in the library. Daquaris on my balcony. Movies with the whole group. Running drunk and silly in the rain in the French Quarter at 1 in the morning. Long talks over Cafe au Lait. Longer walks after a begnet or two. Green tea and scrabble at Zotz. Late night phone calls. (Though I'm proud to say that "he" is completely gone from my life...will explain)

All of that is missing in my life right now. All of that is gone away from me like a death in my family or the final credits of a film. There has to be more for me there. This cannot be the only thing left - a vapid longing I have to return to Aug. 29 2005. I need that day again. Just one more day. I would have done so much more that day. I would have said goodbye.

From all this ruin, a ray of light has pierced it's way through. A glimmer of something I've dreamed about: David. A friend of my best friend Chris, went missing after the hurricane for a few days. I found him, and he found me and together we found ourselves in this grief and despair. What a comfort knowing that I'm coming home to a wonderful man? Finally, a man who really cares about me and not himself, or another girl...just me. But, I live in constant fear that he will hurt me like all the rest, as if I really need anymore of it this year. I should be enjoying my time up here, but I hate it. I hate every moment I spend away from my home. I cry silently to myself waiting for the hours, days, weeks to pass until I'm home again. At night I dream about New Orleans under water, like a snow globe. And we are all jolly, plastic figures drowning...but we don't care. We're home and that's all that matters. Our lives are no longer interrupted. We are no longer displaced.

Most of my friends are comming back, thank God. What would i do without them? Fade away I suppose. I am proud of myself in that I am taking classes at harvard extension and I have not fallen back into bad habits. In fact, I haven't since Mother's Day and I think that's an accomplishment.

i'll try and write some more. I just can't see myself without it. But it gets to be too much.

Tags: david, hurricane
metaphor: displaced.
imagery: Ozma - Battlescars

I'm not exactly sure why, but I haven't been updating nor have I wanted to update this journal lately. I guess it reminds me too much of depression and angst instead of the me now, who loves life and who can't seem to get enough of it.
I'm puzzled by this. I really am.

So I'm sorry for not writing regularly like I used to. It seems so trivial to me right now and that makes me sad because...this was/is my comfort zone. But maybe I have less to run from right now.
School started again and I am taking 6 classes. 6. two writing workshop classes which should be interesting. Perhaps I will get something published. Wouldn't that be a dream?

New Orleans weather is atrociously too hot and sticky. I hate it. I hate the food here I hate the smells. I want to go back to France so bad. It was like another dimension....a place where I didn't have to worry about anything or anyone. It was magical I suppose and I'm trying to recaputre that magic here, but so far it's tarnished by so many things. American entitlement. Fried everything. Shit about "him" and yes he is still lurking around.

Everything was beautiful in france. Everything. What a beautiful expierence I had.

metaphor: I don't know.
imagery: Great Heights - Postal Service

So I dont even know where to begin with the last five weeks. Perhaps I will wait til tomorrow when i get back to the states to start really writing about what happened. Just know that this summer abroad changed my life completely and that there is nothing in this wide world that i fear anymore...its a waste of time.

i am writing a lot which is comforting because that is what I do and what I love to do.

I am in london now but tomorrow I will be flying back home to New Orleans...where i will never take grits for granted again.


I just had the best summer of my life. My entire life.

Tags: summer
metaphor: delighted
imagery: Mr Jones - Counting Crows the summer theme song

you should know that tears are streaming down my face im more in love with my father than i have ever been and it seems so wierd to me after years of wishing the inevitable would strike sooner than what god has in sotre for him. i am loving europe and taking my classes seriously and learning things about my spirit and body that i never dreamed that i could.
ive met a soulmate i believe kacie and i are kindrid spirits and i am delighted to share a pillow with her or skip through the town square laughing about silly girl things and immature boys

and seans not so bad more like a big brother type to me now which is something great to have in forgien surroundings

this place is magical i sit on benches older than my country and dream about future prose i will compose and the honeymoon im somehow destined to take someday

i miss you mom terrbily and wish that you were here to see what i am seeing, eat the best tomato sauce and even smell the old streets which are a charming stench.

i love you

xoxoxox

mere

metaphor: nostalgic

i am at a cyber cafe in nice france and i cant really update much other than i love my trip so far and alll the people that i have met

please email me at mmbailey@uno.edu if you would like

off to venice for the weekend and perhaps barcelona for the next

much love to all



i cannot update at the university the computers aill not let me sadface


au revoir

Tags: france
metaphor: yay for france
imagery: french music duh

i'm off to france!

i'll be updating here as much as i can...wish me luck!

au revoir mon amis!

metaphor: yay!

day after tomorrow!

I have this pain in my stomach that's moved to my lower belly. totally weird. it gets better with heat though, and i think it may have been my tofu yesterday that was cooked with MSG for christ's sakes...WHO STILL USES THAT SHIT!? I'm never eating chinese again in this city...fucking a.


anyway, enough of that...i still have to get jeans, finishing packing, go to the bank, do another facial, clean up my apt., clean out the fridge, unplug everything and breathe.


I can't wait!!!

*i'm all smiles!...except for my tummy ache*

metaphor: sickie
imagery: superstar - sublime

ridiculous IM again.



him: what else is going on?
me: nothing. just trying to figure out if i'm going out later or not
him: must be nice, i will be going to bed soon
me: just for tea and scrabble
him: ah
me: things are wierd again aren't they?
him: no, at least i dont think so
me: i'm going to miss u.
me: and i don't care what you think i still am
him: hey i didnt say anything
him: i am sure you will have fun
me: no i know i will
him: oh my bad
me: ha but still - i haven't talked to you really in like weeks (yes, weeks) and i'll be gone for almost 6 weeks. and i know you don't really care at all, but i do. and i'm sorry for being a bitch the other night
him: i dont care about you being a bitch or i dont care about not seeing you in weeks?
me: the second one
him: well i dont care aobut you being a bitch the other nite
me: i just havent had time to really do anything lately, that is why i avent seen you. i'm sorry
me: it's ok. i've been busy, you have your new job :). it's not that i am blaming u. .i can't wait for paris and now barcelona and i am soooo excited to go. i am just gonna miss a lot of things from here well, not the weather. or amanda.


so. yeah. then i started crying. better than something else. but still. puffy eyes isn't prettay.

metaphor: fuck this fuckin fuckhead fuck
imagery: i don't stand a ghost of a chance - diana krall

one guy.
just one.
who is funny.
cute. (in an indie/wierd sort of way)
with statement tees for me to borrow
and a car that smells good.
who will do almost anything for me
like sing me to sleep
or play "In your Eyes"
with a boombox
outside my apartment
after a big fight.
one guy
who will make me feel beautiful
when my jeans
are just a little bit
too tight
and will wake me up
real early in the morning
when the thunder starts
and the rain pouring hard on my windows
just so i can hear it
eat chinese food on my sofa
with a cheap rental
and lots of laughs.
who's always honest
and rarely selfish
my joel to my clemintine
two peas in a pod
just one guy
just one

Tags: boys.
metaphor: three more days
imagery: she will be loved - maroon 5

a wonderful weekend it was:
saturday night i went bowling with new friends *had lots of laugs, most of them about my ridiculously low bowling score. i believe it was in the forties.
after embarrassing myself in ugly shoes, we went down to bourbon *funky smells and drunkards*. even though everyone was having a great time, i felt this overwhleming sadness. i felt like i didn't belong - like an annoying tag-a-long who no one wants around. (all in my insecure little head) I talked to kam on my cell for a bit and he cheered me up with his sillyness and sort of plans for my birthday in los angeles...i really hope i can go!

and then the thunder and lightenting started. and the rain. we all gt caught in the rain and it was so much fun to be sort of buzzed, laughing and soaking wet. it made everything that much better.

today i ran more errands for europe *4 more days!* and then went to open mic night at the neutrel (sp.) grounds cafe uptown with rebecca :). we met some very interesting people, like eric the tulane guy, the naeless fake isreali army guy with literally 73 scars on his arms from perfectly aligned falling shards of glass...go figure...who also claimed to grow up with wolves in a saloon. *hmmm* and chris the guitarist/drunk electrician guy who swears that he sweats off 7,000 calories just by being a constrcution worker.

and like most nights out, this one ended at lil ray's up the street with rebecca and her boyfriend, joey.

i can't fucking wait for france.


i'm done waiting. i'm done with waiting for a lot of things, especially the phone.



**********

...i'm not what's missing
from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
they say that god makes problems
just to see what you could stand
before you do as the devil pleases
give up the thing you love

no one deserves it.

the first time i saw you
i knew it would never last
i'm not half of what i wish i was
i'm so angry
i don't think it'll ever pass
and i was bad news for you
just because

*i never meant to hurt you*

-pitseleh elliott smith

metaphor: : )
imagery: pitseleh - elliott smith

i just updated my links list to include my online portfolio. the more views of my portfolio i get, the more points i get towards a paid account (which is a lot...) so check it out if you get a chance. thanks.

http://Writing.Com/authors/meredithbailey

Tags: portfolio
metaphor: working. ?
imagery: let it be - the beatles

i feel like an exploding bottle of pop.


i'm raging against the bloody machine.


one more week until montpellier and not a single thing packed! *so unlike me*

metaphor: not in my skin
imagery: bottle up and explode - elliot smith

Right now, today, this very moment, in the present, not ten minutes ago, not ten minutes from now is what matters. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Sayings that I should hold close to my heart and live every day. But somehow, it's easy, too easy, to live in the "what could have been's" instead of the point of no return....now.

Since I'm a strong believer of things happening for one reason or another, no matter how confusing or convoluted that reason is, I tend to attribute everything to that crazy little f-word, fate. It's fate that I ended up at UNO and worked at the newspaper and met the people that I met. It's fate that I know the people that I know now and have let go of the people that I have let go. It's fate that I stumbled on an English major after years of not knowing what exactly it is that I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Right?

Or have I created my own destiny? I chose to work on the paper. I chose to move to New Orleans. I chose the people that are in my life right now. How much of a hand could fate have in my life?

I think that this study abroad program in France is my ticket to fate. I think I'm destined to discover something in myself that will change my life forever. It may sound corny, but I know that these upcoming weeks will define me as a person, as a writer and as a woman. And maybe, just maybe, I'll return to the states with high ambitions of graduating, getting published, meeting a decent man who adores me, and finally learning to love who I am.

My scars may have healed the best that they could have here, but I think that this time away will seal them even more.

how's that for a journal entry?

Tags: france
metaphor: writing my heart out.
imagery: it's been a while - stained

and now that i'm buzzed on wine...i can explain what happened.

"he's" not going to see me before i leave. "he's" too fucking busy, or selfish or hateful.

i want to let him go. i NEED TO LET HIM GO. and here's the proof:

him: 2:30 in the morning?

Tags: him
metaphor: indescribable
imagery: gary jules - mad world

and i think that the guy working the counter is really a double agent for the russians. but he says he's from alabama. interesting...

the opposition party just walked in...oh god.

metaphor: me.
imagery: asldjasdlj

i'm with chris r. and we're at zotz and we had a shark attack and a "jungle itch" (sounds like a VD but i swear, it's just a blended sweet-tartish blobby drink with a back sratcher in it...ok maybe it's a VD too...)

we're off in search of the perfect scrambled egg.

scrambled egg and then the holy grail i suppose.


and yes, chris knows the air velocity of a sparrow.


oh god...no more drunken entries...swear....well...maybe just a few more.

*hugs to all i'm luvin everyone*

Tags: drunkity drunk.
metaphor: drunk
imagery: Elliott Smith @ zotz

three words:

New Baked Cheetoes.


glorious.

metaphor: hungry
imagery: dixie chicks - sin wagon

and i still need a pair of jeans.

bah!

metaphor: excited
imagery: seinfeld

last night i had coffee with cbisbeezie at Zotz, my most favorite coffee hosue in new orleans. after my breakdown over my passport photo i think i can only go up from here. i still need to get my rail passes and train tickets, even though i have no idea what the hell i'm doing. ha. Kam called me from vegas last night at a blackjack table. :(   i wish i was there, despite my abscence of affection for gambling.

i got my trigus (sp.) pierced!  it didn't really hurt but there was a lot of blood.

 

there it is!!

 

( more pictures.  )

Tags: pictures
metaphor: okay
imagery: Let Go - Frou Frou

Yay for my passport! It's here!



Does anyone read this thing anymore?



btw- had meltdown over passport photo. i'll be in my belltower being a hunchbacked freak with a huge fat head.

metaphor: fat and ugly. as usual.
imagery: the reason - hoobastank

strike one with poetry magazine.

i'm not what their looking for right now. they encouraged me to keep writing.

metaphor: apathetic
imagery: new slang - the shins

i'm so sick of being so tragic all the time - but i also realized tonight that i'm completely naive and stupid about so many things.

so much so that i'm here, being tragic, typing in an unfriendly box with dangerous throughts and impotent tears.

i'm so sick of all this confusion. i just want to erase it all and forget that certain people ever exsisted in my life. just like ESofSM.

"i'm erasing you! and i'm glad!"




i'm made even sicker when i read people's aim profiles lately. people who i used to love to read about searching for cryptic messages and hidden meanings about me. how self absorbed would it be to say that they are no longer about me and they probably never were and i'm angry about that?

very. i guess.



another pointless, tragic entry.

metaphor: hmm.
imagery: have you ever seen rain? - creedance

europe is a few weeks away - i can't wait. i'm almost ready to buy my bathing suit i don't want to look like a total american idiot in one on the riviera or anything.

i dyed my hair...again...much darker but not the black that I've wanted for a while. it's pretty i think.

i watched the phantom of the opera on DVD yesterday and i'm so in love with it again (my first love was not jordan smith, it was in fact the phantom at age 4 and 5)
i miss singing. was such a fool to stop when i hit college. i'll take my mom's advice and sing in a choir - if nothing else.

only a few more weeks of Lori (my therapist) and then she's gone. I'm trying hard not to think about it - but i'm scared and a little mad at her too. why can't she just take me with her as a client?? what about phone sessions or emails or something?

feh.


Friday night ended up being very cool...and drunk...at the hooka cafe. met a guy who's a writer and he asked me for advice. ha. last night i ate at my mom's , went home, started to write, and fell asleep. (occasionally woken up by the slamming door on AIM) so today i'm going out. i can't stand to be in this apt. another whole day and night. i may go to the northshore to look at antique shops....but i want to go to the imax. maybe get a pedicure.

metaphor: awake
imagery: angel of music - phantom of the opera

friday nights don't get much better than this...


advice needed: when is it better to just not say anything when someone says something ambiguously rude and just roll with the punches?

I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions and assume the crash position (as I often do) on this one, but something keeps telling me that I should pipe up and let them know that what they said - I took offense to.

maybe because i'm used to being let down by this person. maybe because i'm used to letting myself down.


*pondering in bewilderment*

metaphor: hyper
imagery: think of me - phantom of the opera